The Twinkie Squad (1992)

The Twinkie Squad is a children's novel written by Gordon Korman published in 1992. The story follows the mis-adventures of Armando "Commando" Rivera, a feisty, popular basketball-obsessed hotshot who often gets in trouble with bullies and teachers; and Douglas Fairchild, the tall, pale son of a U.S. Ambassador, who claims to be from a small middle-eastern nation called 'Pefkakia' because he was born on a jet plane in its main airport during an emergency layover. The story is ostensibly set in Washington D.C.

Plot

Beginning

Obsessed with sharing his 'exotic culture' which he himself is largely inventing, Douglas Fairchild appears eccentric and fails his classes, which leads him to be placed in a special needs support group, condescendingly referred to as "The Twinkie Squad" by most other students. The group is actually named the special discussion group and is led by Mr. and Mrs. Richardson who have degrees in counseling. Later, at lunch, Armando "Commando" Riviera, is playing basketball, and Doug is sitting on a nearby bench writing in his "Pefkakia journal" (actually a notebook filled with nothing but the word 'blah'). Commando throws the ball at Doug, which bounces and hits Douglas in the nose, causing a massive nosebleed. Commando's enemy, Kahlil, reports him to the Principal, who accuses him of deliberately attacking Doug; and when Doug denies that this is how the incident happened, the Principal carelessly assumes that Commando is bullying him into keeping quiet. Commando is suspended from the basketball team and is sentenced to a year in Doug's special needs group with other "defective" students. The Twinkie Squad includes Anita, who can't think up her own thoughts so she copies others; Yolanda, who is obsessed with movies; Gerald, who is incredibly shy; Ric, who is hyperactive and very jittery; and Dave, who has very low self-esteem.

Commando is also upset because his family has fallen on hard times, forcing his father to go back to school to earn a degree in accounting and take the necessary exams to become a CPA (certified public accountant).

The "Grand Knights"

Douglas meanwhile, is failing his classes even worse than before, causing Martin and Julia, the husband-and-wife duo that leads the support group, to discipline him. However, he is completely undeterred and makes two efforts to raise morale with his new friends, Pefkakian-style. His first effort is to give the ragtag group a new nickname, The Grand Knights of the Exalted Karpoozi, which he claims was a noble Pefkakian order named after the great Karpoozi river (in fact 'karpoozi' was a word he found in his alphabet soup). Commando is intrigued by the idea, and uses his charisma and popular "bad boy" reputation to help Douglas organize the "Grand Knights" into an actual club. But when he tries to market the group as a voluntary-membership club, and posts a cryptic sign-up sheet for the Grand Knights without any description, it becomes the coolest and most exclusive club on campus, especially when he actually has to post a rejection to the most popular girl in school, since he doesn't actually have the authority to admit new members to the Twinkie Squad.

Garlic Squid

Doug's second "morale raising" effort is to cook a fancifully made-up "traditional Pefkakian delicacy" for the Grand Knights. His choice is decidedly pungent: garlic squid with mango and banana; but this creates even WORSE problems; he attempts to prepare the dish in the school's Home Economics kitchen and hides the half-prepared garlic marinated squid in a hole in the ceiling when a class starts and it gets sealed before he can retrieve it. It's teamwork time: the Grand Knights of the Exalted Karpoozi have a mission to eliminate the stench of the rotting squid by any means necessary, including:

using the class's pet gerbils to eat it (they'll supposedly eat anything, but even they run away from rotting garlic squid)

cheap perfume that only sharpens and enhances the odor, causing the school to be closed until it dissipates

Dr. Footsie, an industrial strength foot powder used by Olympic athletes, which contaminates the principal's office and accidentally clogs the school's toilets

While the school is closed, Doug and Commando help the other kids in the Twinkie Squad, who are not really mentally challenged but are very shy, shed their shame, rebuild their lives, and become more social.

Meanwhile, the school reopens but the rotting stench is still there; the Home EC room and the Principal's Office directly above it, are closed off and abandoned because the smell is so bad that it makes people's noses and eyes feel a painful burning sensation.

Pranks and Scandals

Doug sees that Commando is still being harassed by Kahlil, and is crushed at the prospect of not being able to play on the basketball team, so he thinks up a way to help him - as only a government diplomat's son could. He manages to steal a blank piece of paper from his father's office with the Surgeon General's signature on it, and typewrites a forged letter addressed to the Principal, testifying to Commando's innocence and calling for his reinstatement to the basketball team.

The Principal, shocked that the Surgeon General somehow knows Commando, and now forced to work out of the janitor's broom closet, is also baffled at what could be causing the horrible smell in the school, so he hires several "experts" to inspect the school:

1. A sewer gas expert - the principal figures they have a busted sewer main. The man tells him the school's sewer is in excellent order, and it's probably bad plumbing that's causing the problem.

2. A plumber brings his crew to inspect the school. They bang on pipes and cause a lot of noise and ultimately fail to find anything. The plumber guesses that the school probably has a dead animal trapped in the walls somewhere, and suggests that the Principal call the "District of Columbia Rat-catcher".