Squeeze Me (2020)

Squeeze Me is a novel by Carl Hiaasen. It was released on August 25, 2020. He dedicated the novel to his younger brother, Rob, who was killed during the Capital Gazette shooting on June 28, 2018. The book debuted at #2 on The New York Times Best Seller list.

The trade paperback edition of Squeeze Me was released on May 11, 2021, featuring a brand-new epilogue written in the aftermath of the 2020 United States presidential election. Hiaasen explained, "It seemed clear to me that the bizarre and menacing real-life events following the recent national election required some satirical attention – an updated coda for the characters in the book, as well as for the readers."

About

The mysterious disappearance of a wealthy, elderly socialite from the grounds of a Palm Beach mansion during a charity gala sets off a manhunt by the local police, egged on by the victim's wealthy friends, all members of a social club devoted to supporting the current President of the United States, a thinly-disguised version of Donald Trump. When the caretaker finds the socialite's body, he unsuccessfully attempts to cover-up the freakish true circumstances of the woman's death. Meanwhile, a local wildlife trapper is called to trap and remove numerous invasive Burmese pythons being discovered all over Palm Beach. Working with a retired highway patrol officer and Clinton "Skink" Tyree (an eccentric former Florida governor that often appears in Hiaasen's novels), the snake menace is finally ended.

Synopsis

Part One: Get a Grip

On January 23, elderly socialite Katherine "Kiki" Sparling Pew Fitzsimmons wanders onto the grounds of the exclusive Lipid Estate in Palm Beach during the annual "White Ibis Ball" to benefit victims of IBS. When Kiki fails to return, a search of the grounds finds only her purse, an empty martini glass and a half-bitten tablet of ecstasy littered next to the koi pond. Kiki's best friend, Fay Alex Riptoad, demands that Police Chief Jerry Crosby devote his department's entire resources to finding her. Crosby has little choice but to comply, knowing that Kiki, Fay and five other Palm Beach widows co-founded the "POTUS Pussies" (shortened to "Potussies" for media purposes); besides their considerable combined wealth, the women are all loyal supporters of the President of the United States and frequent guests at his nearby "Winter White House", Casa Bellicosa.

The following night, Tripp Teabull, the manager of the Lipid Estate, anxiously summons wildlife control expert Angela "Angie" Armstrong to deal with an eighteen-foot Burmese python on the grounds during the annual "Stars And SARS Ball." Since the python cannot be removed from the tree she is occupying without drawing attention unless it is dead, Teabull reluctantly permits Angie to decapitate her with a machete. After Angie does so, Teabull belatedly makes the connection between Kiki's disappearance and the bulge in the python's stomach. Terrified of the negative publicity if the truth comes out, he hires two amateur burglars to break into Angie's apartment, and then her rented storage freezer, stealing the python's carcass before Angie can turn it over to wildlife authorities for dissection.

To Teabull's horror, the clueless burglars drive the carcass back to the Lipid Estate to ask what should be done with it. He hurriedly tells them to bury it in the foundation of a nearby construction site. When the burglars open their trunk, they are unnerved to see the carcass has split, revealing Kiki's half-digested remains inside. Their nerve only lasts long enough for them to bury Kiki before speeding away from the scene, inadvertently jettisoning the python's headless body onto the highway along with a few loose pieces of Kiki's jewelry. The next morning, the carcass briefly delays the First Lady's motorcade on its way to Casa Bellicosa before it is removed by the Secret Service. Paul Ryskamp, the head of the Service's West Palm Beach office, calls Angie to remove the carcass and offer her opinion on whether other snakes might present a danger to the President or his wife.

Diego Beltrán, a Honduran refugee, arrives illegally in South Florida on the same night as the White Ibis Ball. Crossing a railway intersection on his way to work, he notices and picks up a conch pearl from the tracks, not knowing it came from Kiki's necklace. During a routine sweep by ICE, he is picked up and the jewel is found in his belongings. Under pressure from Fay, Crosby shares what little progress their investigation has made, including that Beltrán is being held "on suspicion." Fay, who like all the Potussies shares the President's xenophobia, ignores Crosby's warnings that the evidence against Beltrán is tenuous and immediately shares it with the Oval Office.

Kiki's family reluctantly posts a $100,000 reward for information leading to her whereabouts. Seeing the posting, one of the burglars, Uric Burns, strangles his partner and calls in an anonymous tip, which leads Palm Beach police to find Kiki's body at the construction site. Seeing the same posting, Angie quickly realizes what really happened to Kiki and approaches Crosby, who sets a trap for Burns at the bank where he is supposed to collect the reward money. Before Burns arrives, however, he is abducted and killed by Teabull, desperate to cover his tracks. Angie, Ryskamp and Crosby are horrified by what happens next: at an impromptu press conference from a Maryland golf course, the President denounces Beltrán as the head of a "horde" of immigrants "invading" the country and declares a "crusade" on social media with the slogan "NO MORE DIEGOS!"